Friday, August 15, 2014

Why did Robin Williams choose suicide? Could alternative treatments have helped him?



 I was a bit sad to hear of the transition of comedian Robin Williams. He made me laugh and I "got" him.  The whole nanu nanu thing was so different.  Robiin Willams took the fear out aliens for me and Mork and Mindy became one of my favorite shows. I also get that perhaps I related to Robin Williams because he was different.  Robin Williams began doing impressions and comedy as a lonely over weight young boy who felt different. I too am different and I have always felt different or been reminded of the fact by the scores of "normal" folks around me.  Perhaps you feel different too.  The feeling of never quite fitting in used to haunt me and the loudest voice was the one in my own head.  It was a constant reminder that I didn't agree with or believe a lot of what everyone else said or did.  I wasn't overweight as a child I just preferred to be alone.   Nor was I interested in what I was "supposed" to be learning or made to do.  I was bored.  I was considered a minority mentally and physically yet they labeled me "gifted" in public school.  It was daunting and I was taunted.  So I created coping mechanisms.  All external. That's life. You get in where you fit in and folks on drugs and alcohol tended to not care either way so it was comfortable drowning the sorrows for awhile.  People who don't understand depression will sometimes make accusations of drug and alcohol abuse for depression, out of ignorance, oftentimes as they pop another codeine something for their "nerves" and chase it with red wine.
The stories I could share.. smh  I was destined to be a medical doctor or so I thought however in college the first time around I wasn't all that interested.  Spirituality and mysticism felt more natural to me.
The depression got worse until I could not leave the bed much less the house.  Notice I said "the depression" as it was another label I never took ownership of.   Depressed was what they told me I was feeling when I described it to folks.  To help doctors kept giving me more prescriptions and I kept feeling worse.  I could not work and work did not want to hear that.  It seems some folks faked depression to stay home and get paid.  The folks that really were depressed pay the highest price. isolation.  That time can never be recovered. That feeling can never be quite understood.  It's just there.  "What do you have to be depressed about" they asked.
How the heck would I know?  If I knew why and how I would have given anything to just make it go away...that awful feeling
But I couldn't will it away.  So I faked a lot. I smiled and when I got home I cried thousands of tears begging God to just take the pain away...  There were times I considered the alternatives. But I was never brave enough.  I worried to much about appearances.  Interesting thing is none of those appearances(people) really gave a damn about me. inconsiderate vultures.  I remember the day I realized that if I didn't do something I really was gonna die. As the Dr. took my blood pressure and wrote me five more prescriptions for the issues and the side effects of the issues, he appealed to my vanity.  He described what could happen if I didn't die...whew. another side effect. very risky.  I think I understand why Robin Williams had to cut his wrists and put a belt around his neck.  He had to die.  The pain was too painful, the consequences too great.  I visited a hypnotist at some point to quit smoking and it was then that I remembered what it felt like to relax.  It was different and it was a good feeling.  I was comfortable in my skin and the world seemed more peaceful.  There was hope. I liked that feeling more than the drugs so I learned everything I could about it.  no side effects. Hypnosis introduced me into a deeper meditation.  peace be still.  Combined with my spiritual beliefs hypnosis saved my life.  I surrendered to that higher power I had heard about.  Not the one that scared me from the pulpit in the Baptist church I grew up in,  but the one that was inside of me.  The one power that was stronger than me.  Something shifted and I knew I had to live... for ME!  I actually wanted to live.  I felt empowered.
Depression is hard.  Depression is lonely.  Nobody wants to hear about it or so it seemed.  Most folks think it is over rated.  I did too until it happened to me. Money fortune nor fame can't erase the pain.
I was sad to hear Robin Williams decided to leave early.  He taught us so much and I can only imagine how much he took with him.  I choose to stay on this earthly plain and share for whatever it is worth, however I can, whenever I can. Drug and alcohol free.  It feels good to be free and freedom IS a state of mind.  I love me more than any external stimuli. Only God knows what a "normal" life looks like and since we(God and I) have developed this relationship built on trust I place my trust in God.  I check in with God often.  As I cultivate a relationship with the Angels and myself it is a profoundly intimate experience. It is a personal journey.  I dug out of that hole body mind and spirit.
This is the first time I have discussed it publicly. I was never brave enough to write about it or even talk about publicly however the death of Robin Williams has touched me and brought an awareness to life.  I have held it in long enough and it no longer serves me to hold on to that past life.
I AM free. It is safe to be free and full of life.  happy.  It's cool to be different and even cooler to honor my diversity.  Depression no longer defines me.  I am not afraid to live.  They say the internet is immortal and so am I.
To everyone who thought I was faking depression may you never experience what it feels like to be depressed. To those who supported me I love you more than words can ever express.  Thank you for taking my calls and just listening to me.  Thank you also for understanding when I simply did not have the words.  Thanks to my therapists who understood what I was growing through esp. the therapist that asked me angels on day.... I love you!
Thank you God for...all of it. May I be an instrument of your peace.
If you are depressed tell your story.  And tell it often.  Also take the time to listen.  You are never alone. 
Depression can be a struggle.
Honor your emotions seek help and follow your doctors instructions
Try alternative and complimentary methods of treatment.
There are infinite possibilities.
Explore spirituality.
Don't give up life is really beautiful. 
Depression happened when I was afraid to live or die..
I love living
                                                       RIP Robin Williams nanu nanu


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